SG1 Part one
by The Insanities
Summary: He he, The Insanities are baaack!!!!!!!!! Guess who they find ?!?
1. The bad idea

**SG-1 Part one** by The Insanities

*~*

Note: Yo, Mithborien here, just a few notes. This, like, follows nothing of the Stargate SG-1 storyline and here in Australia we haven't seen the end of the sixth season, stupid TV programming people, so anything that happens here probably won't make sense with what happened on the series. Well, it won't make sense anyway but you know what I mean. And cause Jynethe is being lazy, [side note to Jynethe: sorry, honey] and hasn't written anymore of her story I'm just gonna put this up even though it's out of chronological order, just so you know. Oooh, lightbulb moment, tell ya what, we'll put up a list of the stories in chronological order in our bio so you know which order to read them in, if anyone out there _is_ reading them. **SG-1** was written by me, Mithborien, by the way.

*~*

**The bad idea** (now, _that_ is a bad omen)

*~*

"What _are_ you doing?"

            Mithborien sat up when she heard the insinuation in the voice, consequently banging her head on the control panel she was working under.

            "Ow!" she said with a growl. She glared at Darth Sus who was standing in the hallway. "Don't do that."

            "_Sorry_," Darth Sus replied, throwing one of those insulted sighs over her shoulder. "Again, what _are_ you doing?"

            Mithborien stood and took another tool from the table then ducked under the hexagonal time device again. "I'm trying to figure out this navigation system."

            "By switching the wires around."

            "No, by seeing which wire does what."

            "You're going to mess it up."

            "Hey! Do you wanna try this?"

            Darth Sus held up her hands in mock defeat, earning herself another glare.

            "Do me a favour and go get Jynethe," Mithborien said as she stood up again. "I'm gonna need both your help for this."

            "That doesn't sound good."

            "Just go," Mithborien said exasperated.

            "Well, fine then," Darth Sus said as she strolled out of command in search of Jynethe, a string of insulted sighs trailing along behind her.

            A couple of hours later she returned with Jynethe and said brightly, "Found her."

            Mithborien woke with a start from the command chair. "Wozzat?" she said groggily.

            Darth Sus tapped her on the shoulder, hard, then grinned. "You said to go find Jynethe and I did."

            Mithborien looked at her watch. "That was three hours ago. Where have you been?" she fumed.

            "The Tardis is huge, it took me a while," Darth said defensively. "And, I mean, you never said to find her straight away-HEY!" Darth Sus shrieked as she darted away from Mithborien's fist.

            "I am going to kill her one day," Mithborien muttered under her breath. "I liked Finarfëwen better." She got up and stretched. "Okay, here's what I wanted you for."

            She told them…. 

            It took a while for them to understand….

*~*Later on*~*

            Jynethe tapped a couple of keys on the control panel, then looked up. "Anything?" she asked. Darth Sus shook her head in reply.

            "Damn." Mithborien slammed her hand down on the table. "It should've worked.  I connected the two copper cables to the tertiary crystalline data spheres which are controlled by the energy transfer regulators."

            "Ahh," Jynethe said as she threw a confused look at Darth. "You lost me after two."

            "Ya lost me after damn," Darth Sus confessed. "What the hell does that mean?"

            "It means it should work." Mithborien punctuating her words by slamming her fist down on the control panel she was working on. Almost immediately the lights on the panel flickered and the navigation system popped up on the main view screen while the crystal pump moved up and down.

            "Ha," Mithborien smirked. "Dr. Who eat your heart out." She sat down in the Captain's chair and began manipulating the controls. "Okay, I think I got the hang of this now. Where do you want to go?"

            The Mission Impossible theme suddenly burst into noise.

            "Uh, what Darth Sus said before, what the hell?" Jynethe asked, a look on her face that plainly said _riiiiight_.

            Mithborien tapped a couple of keys and abruptly the music stopped. A faint "Oi!" could be heard somewhere and Mithborien smirked.

            "What did you do?" Darth Sus asked suspiciously.

            "Nothing," Mithborien said with a grin. "It was just Phil adding to the moment. He's working out the kinks in the sound system and well, he can get carried away."

            Darth Sus's brow furrowed for a moment before she asked, "So, he can just get any theme from the movies and… you know." She waved her hand. "Play it whenever."

            "Yeah, something like that," Mithborien said dismissively and turned away.

            "You know what she wants, don't you?" Jynethe said with a smile.

            "Huh." 

            "Look at her."

            Mithborien turned to see Darth Sus bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, manic grin on her face and eyes alight with glee. "_Please, please, please, please, please…._"

*~*Later on again*~*

            "_Please, please, please, please, please…._"

            "NO!" Mithborien finally shouted loud enough. "Phil is not getting the Darth Vader march for you."

            "_But, but, but, but, but…_"

            "If you take his march, then what's he going to have to march to," Jynethe pointed out reasonably. 

PAUSE STORY

(The girl known as Mithborien paused and looked at the word she had typed on the computer screen. Reasonably? she thought. _ Reasonably?_ When are we ever reasonable? She paused for a bit then smiled and started typing again.)

RESUME STORY

            "If you take his march, then what's he going to have to march to," Jynethe pointed out reasonably while spinning round on the spot.

PAUSE STORY

(That's better.)

RESUME STORY

            "But…"

            "No, and that's final," Mithborien stated, stamping her foot.

            Darth Sus turned away with a pout and stomped off to a corner.

            "Okay, ignore her," Jynethe said as she looked at the view screen where the depiction of planet was shown with the analysis beside it. "What's this?"

            "Well I was thinking during Darth Sus's little tantrum and I came up with this," Mithborien said, pointedly ignoring the plotting whispers of Darth Sus in the corner.

            "_Little? We'll show them little."_

_            "Yesss, we'll show them a little they'll never forget."_

_            "Yesss…"_

"Anyway," Mithborien continued. "This is P3X-666."

            "P3X? That means its part of the stargate system," Jynethe remarked.

            "Yep. And according to initial scans it has actually has two stargate's on the surface…" Mithborien trailed of suspiciously 

            "You're not thinking of…"

            Mithborien shook her head and immediately looked away into a non-descript corner as suspicious music started playing softly. "No, of course not. But considering the shape we were in when we crashed before and Anakin's pod racer crashed into us…"

            Darth Sus piped up loudly from her corner as the suspicious music got louder. "Which was your fault, might I add."

            "No, you may not," Mithborien snapped back. "Anyway, there's an abandoned Goa'uld base on P3X-666." She pressed a button and a Goa'uld base flickered up on screen.

            _Dun, Dun._

            Mithborien ignored the music, which was now loud enough for all to hear and kept talking. "And I'm thinking, maybe there'll be some abandoned technology there as well, that we can scrounge for the Tardis."

            "From the base?" Jynethe inquired. Mithborien nodded.

            _Dun, dun, dun._

            Jynethe looked around for the source of the music then turned back to Mithborien. "Who did the base belong to?" she asked.

            _Dun, dun, dun, DE DUN!_

            "Phil!" Mithborien screeched and the music faltered. "The base used to belong to… Anubis… but it's abandoned now." She quickly added the last bit as Darth Sus started from the corner. "AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" she screamed as the suspicious music startled to a stop abruptly.  

            "Are you insane?" Darth demanded of Mithborien.

            "No more than you," she quickly shot back.

            "Guys," Jynethe interjected. "This isn't working."

            Mithborien and Darth Sus promptly ignored her and started arguing.

            "What's not working is your head," Darth Sus said.

            "Oh, shut up. I know what I'm doing," Mithborien replied.

            "No you don't. You're going to Anubis's base. ON PURPOSE!"

            "ABANDONED base, okay. Abandoned."

            "HEY," Jynethe shouted as she slammed her hand down on the table.

            A whoosh resounded and the trio experienced the unsettling feeling of zero gravity and having the breath drained out of you before the ship settled from the space jump.

            "Uh oh," Jynethe said slowly. "Did I just do what I think I did, coz I didn't mean to, so you can't blame me for anything I did."

            "You, uh, just took us to P3X-666 by pressing that button… right there," Mithborien said hesitantly as she pointed to the button under Jynethe's fist. Jynethe pulled her hand back guiltily and stepped back from the controls.

            "Well, now that we're here," Mithborien said quickly and nodded her head towards the door.

            "Are you crazy?" Darth Sus asked.

            "Yes, and now that we've established that fact, let's go."

            Jynethe shrugged her shoulders and followed Mithborien out of the room. Darth Sus stood sulking before a glint came over her eyes. "Goa'uld, she says," she whispered to herself. "Ribbon device. Yessss, preeeciousss." She stopped at looked at you. "Don't look at me like that," she said before walking out of the control room.

*~*

Uh yeah, Darth Sus has a slight Gollum complex, it should clear up in a few weeks. Although, Return of the King is coming out this year. Oh no…


	2. OmiGod! It's them!

**SG-1 Part one** by The Insanities

*~*

Something else, down here in down-under, we haven't seen Stargate for a while so how I remember the characters of SG-1 may be a little distorted. But then we, The Insanities are a little distorted, and so will all of you by the time you've read this, so it all balances out.

*~*

**OmiGod! It's them!**

*~*

"So where is this base?" 

            Darth Sus had emerged from the Tardis to find the two quite some distance ahead, walking through what appeared to be a wood. That is if a wood has purple trees… well, stranger things have happened. The thick trees stood just close enough together to impair visibility through them but just far enough a part for the wood not to feel claustrophobic. When Mithborien and Jynethe didn't answer, Darth Sus ran forward to stand in front of them creating a rather angry obstruction with smoking horns. "Where is it?" she asked again.

            Mithborien sighed as she answered mechanically. "Just through these woods and no there are no Goa'uld ships in orbit, nor are there any Jaffa on the ground. There."

            "Well, sorry," Darth Sus said as she fell into step. "I was just making sure. Do I look stupid to you?"

            "Well, now that you mention it," Jynethe said with a smile.

            "Shut up."

            Mithborien smiled as they continued to traverse the woods. Finally after a couple of hundred metres the woods thinned out revealing… nothing.

            "Uhh, Mithborien?" Jynethe asked.

            "Yes," Mithborien answered, her voice somewhat strained.

            "There's no base here."

            "I see that."

            "You said there was a base here."

            "I remember."

            "So…"

            "_So_!" Darth Sus said with a grin as she jumped in front of the pair. "It means _you_ were _wrong_, Mithborien!" She started dancing in front of them waving her hands. "Wrong, wrong, wrong. _You were wrong_." She pointed a finger at Mithborien laughing manically until a Rings device materialised upwards causing her to disperse amid a flash of white light. Mithborien and Jynethe stood staring, mouths hanging open until the latter broke the silence.

            "Finally, good riddance," Jynethe said and started to walk away.

            "Omigod!" (all praise the elusive Omi God. Hail ye, hail ye.) Mithborien gasped. "The base is underground. Come on." She dragged Jynethe forward to stand where Darth Sus had previously occupied.

            "What? We're going after her? But we just lost her," Jynethe whined.

            However Mithborien wasn't listening as the rings came up again, enveloping the two before disappearing into the earth. When their vision cleared they saw they were in a rings transportation room, door closed with Darth Sus leaning against the controls. Leaving Jynethe to look around the room Mithborien sauntered up to her and looked down. "Well?"

            Darth Sus bared her fangs and gazed back defiantly. "Well what?" she said.

            "I believe you have something to say to me."

            "You're gloating."

            "Well yes, but try again."

            "What, that you were right?"

            "Uh huh. Come out and say it. I'm not leaving till I hear it." Mithborien gestured with her hand as she spoke.

            Darth Sus crossed her arms. "Are you so shallow minded then that you need to hear some empty words of satisfaction in order to fulfil your own pity mortal existence?" she said.

            Mithborien paused. "No," she said simply. "I just want to hear you say you were wrong."

            Darth Sus sighed. "Fine. I was wrong, you were right. Happy?"

            "Immensely. Thankyou. Oh and by the way I'm not mortal, I'm a Goddess-In-Training."

PAUSE STORY

(Sorry, that whole mortal thing is an ongoing debate, never mind.)

RESUME STORY

            "Uh, I hate to interrupt," Jynethe said as she looked up from examining the door controls. "Well, actually I don't but how do we open the door."

            "Oh allow me," Mithborien said as she walked over to the door.

            "Hey wait a sec," Darth Sus protested. "You can't just open the door. I know you said this place was abandoned but, look, the lights are all on. So you can't just barge out…" Darth Sus's words were cut off as Mithborien tapped out a combination on the door panel causing it to whoosh open revealing a well-lit Goa'uld designed hallway. "…or maybe you can," she finished.

            "Hey, how did you know the combination?" Jynethe asked.

            "I just remembered it," Mithborien shrugged. "Thought it might come in handy."

            The Insanities then ventured out into the hallway, cautiously making their way forward in short sneaking steps. Of course, The Insanities method of sneaking involved a lot more noise than normal to be considered sneaking.

            "Hey, guys?" Jynethe whispered.

            "Yeah," Darth Sus and Mithborien replied as one.

            "Where are we going?"

            Mithborien looked at Darth Sus. Darth Sus looked at Jynethe, who promptly said, "Hey don't look at me. I was the one who asked the question."

            "Okay, regroup," Mithborien said, halting their advance.

            "We are regrouped, idiot!" Darth Sus told her, aiming a casual backhand at Mithborien's head, who deftly avoided the blow.

            "Then shut up," she said. "Does anyone here know their way around an underground Goa'uld base." She was met with blank stares all round. "_Okay_, why don't we just explore the layout of the base and try not to get lost."

            "Easier said then done," Jynethe muttered.

            "Just come on," Mithbor told them as she went further down the corridor. "And don't run into any trouble." She then turned around a corner only to be confronted with the wrong end of a staff weapon, energised and pointed at her stomach. She looked up to see the impassive face of the former First Prime of Apophis, now ally of Earth, Teal'c looming above her.

            "What were you saying about not running into any trouble," Jynethe said with a touch of exasperation.

            "Identify yourselves?" Teal'c's deep timbre voice demanded of them.

            "Uh… Teal'c, my man," Mithborien stammered. "Uh, back down a sec." She turned to Jynethe and Darth. "Backtrack, backtrack," she hissed.

            The trio backed up while Teal'c in his dark green SG-1 uniform advanced.

            "Hold it," a familiar voice commanded.

            "Damn," The Insanities swore as one, then looked at each other in annoyance as they turned around to be greeted with the barrel of an M-16. Holding the weapon casually pointed at them was Colonel Jack O'Neill, twice retired air-force officer, who stood with a half-curious, half-suspicious expression on his face.

            "Who the hell are you?" he asked.

            "Uh," Darth Sus said. "Relax, Jack, we're, uh… friends, yeah, that's it. Friends and allies, so don't shoot. Don't shoot, whatever you do."

            "Shut up," Jynethe told her, shaking her head at her friend.

            O'Neill cocked the gun. "How do you know my name?"

            "Really, Jack, how could we not," Darth Sus replied with impatience, hands on hips. Mithborien elbowed her in the ribs to shut her up.

            "Shoosh," she admonished. "Go to the side. Go to the side."

            The Insanities shuffled to the edge, between Teal'c and Jack when they heard the unmistakable sound of another gun being readied.

            "Major Samantha Carter, whatever you do, don't shoot," Darth Sus pleaded.

            "Will you stop saying their names," Jynethe hissed at her.

            "Sir?" said Samantha Carter, theoretical astro-physicist, as she looked at her superior. "Who are they?"

            "How should I know?" O'Neill replied. "They seem to know us though."

            "How?" Carter frowned. "I've never seen them before."

            "Again, how should I know? I haven't seen them before either."

            "Hey, guys, look at this." The Insanities looked to see the newest of SG-1, Jonas Quinn bound into view, a strange object in his hand and a huge smile on his face. When he saw SG-1, weapons drawn and on guard, his grin faltered. "What's going on?" he inquired.

            "JONAS!" the three Insanities shouted and leapt forward to hide behind him.

            "They won't shoot Jonas," Mithborien said.

            "Well, you never know," Darth Sus replied with a chuckle. "Jack might but I'm sure Carter or Teal'c will stop him."      

"Hopefully, you mean," Jynethe added.

            "Uh," Jonas said with a confused look on his face as he tried to move forward but The Insanities kept him protectively in front. "What's going on?"

            "Again," Jack exclaimed. "How the hell should I know."

            "Because you're in charge of the mission," Mithborien told him, overstressing the words. "It's your job to know."

            "_Since when_?"

            "Since you became in charge."

            "Oh… well no one told me."

            Teal'c, Carter and Jonas all looked weirdly at O'Neill.

            "What?" he said when he noticed their stares.

            "Who are you and what are you doing here?" Carter addressed the trio, ignoring the Colonel.

            "Okay, okay, I can explain," Mithborien assured SG-1.

            "Well, why don't you come out from behind Jonas and tell us," Jack said.

            "Are you going to shoot us?" Jynethe asked.

            "Can't guarantee it."

            "Than we're not coming out."

            O'Neill directed a sly look towards Carter before saying, "Like you said before, I could always should Jonas to get to you."

            "HEY!" Jonas protested while Carter rolled her eyes. The Insanities sniggered before Mithborien leant around to Jonas.

            "He probably would you know," she grinned. But Jonas had a comeback of his own.

            "You do realise that if he shoots me, then he's free to shoot you," he told her.

            Mithborien eyes widened before she ducked back behind Jonas with a yelp.

            Meanwhile, Teal'c had ventured down further into the corridor to act as lookout but now he returned. 

            "Colonel O'Neill," he said. "I can hear Jaffa approaching."

            "What?" Jack and Darth Sus exclaimed.

            "I thought this base was abandoned?" Jynethe said.

            Darth Sus hit Mithbor on the arm. "It was _supposed_ to be."  
            "Well, it isn't, so let's move people," the Colonel ordered. "Carter take point, Teal'c, rear guard. We'll hide out in the unused storage room we saw before."

            Carter led the way to the storage room with Jonas behind her. Darth turned to O'Neill. "What?" she said. "We're not going to fight."

            "Not against a full company of Jaffa if we don't have to."

            "But you're SG-1…"

            "Yeah," Mithborien interrupted. "They're SG-1 not suicide junkies."

            "Yeah," Jack frowned. "That's, uh… right. Now come on." He dragged Mithborien and Jynethe forward and sent them after Carter and Jonas.

            "But…" Darth Sus protested.

            "Come on." O'Neill grabbed her arm and pulled her after him. Teal'c guarding the end as the entire group reached the storage room and hid inside. When they were safely concealed Darth Sus turned on Mithborien.

            "See, I told you we shouldn't have come here," she screeched softly at Mithbor, only keeping her voice down due to the Jaffa outside.

            "Hey, I thought it was abandoned."

            "Thought? You said you knew."

            "Knew, thought. Same thing."

            "The Jaffa outside are not the same thing."

            Jynethe ignored the two of them and approached the members of SG-1 and said, "Ignore them, I do that all the time. What are you doing here?"

            "Now, just wait a second here," O'Neill said as he held up a hand.

            Jynethe waited a second. "Okay, done. Now, what are you doing here?"

            "What he meant to say," Carter interjected. "Was who are you?"

            "Well," Jynethe started. "My name is Jynethe, and the one over there trying to kill the other one is Darth Sus and the one defending herself with that big stick is Mithborien. We're, uh… explorers of planets."

            "Really?" Jonas queried. "You have a ship?"

            "Yeah, she's called the Tardis."

            Jack looked up sharply. "_The Tardis?_"

            "No, I meant the Bard's Hiss." Jynethe frowned dubiously and said in a stage whisper, "Man, even I don't believe that." 

            Jonas interrupted, "What kind of ship?"

            "Uhh," Jynethe shifted nervously. "Never mind."

            O'Neill looked up at Jynethe with one eyebrow raised. "You wanna tell us who you really are?"

            "Oh well, I'm a mage, Mithborien's an elf and Darth Sus is a Sith Lord but other than that…"

            "Hey," Jack interrupted. "I want the truth."

            Mithborien and Darth Sus both temporarily halted their arguing to yell back, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" before continuing their wrangling.

            Everyone turned to stare at the two but as they were unresponsive, SG-1 and Jynethe exchanged 'What the hell!' glances with each other. Jynethe opened her mouth to speak but Jack beat her to it.

            "Just ignore them," he supplied.

            "Yeah," Jynethe sighed. "It's for the best, really."

            "So again, who are you?" Sam asked.

            "We… well, we're… It's classified. If we told you who we were, I'd have to kill you."

            "Really," Jack said with a drawl.

            Jynethe glanced from side to side. "Yeulz," she said.

            "_Right_."

            Jynethe sighed. "Okay, here's the deal. We can't tell you who we are because the fact is, you wouldn't believe us."

            "Try us," Carter offered. "We've seen a lot."

            Jynethe remained silent, then, "Not this much."

            "Fine," O'Neill said. "Have it your way." He stood up and motioned to Teal'c and Carter to join him. "If you don't want to tell us who you are, that's your choice, but you're staying right here until we get back."

            "What? You can't," Jynethe started, while Mithborien and Darth Sus ceased their arguing when they realised what was about to happen.

            "I… don't really care," Jack said with a shrug. "All I care about is completing the mission we came here to do. Teal'c, check the hallway. We don't want to say hello to the Jaffa out there."

            "You're on a mission." Darth Sus's eyes lit up in delight.

            "No," Jack replied sharply.

            "But you said…"

            "No I didn't."

            "Yes you did."

            "No I didn't"

            "Yes you did." Darth Sus stamped her foot in frustration, while Mithborien and Jynethe chuckled to themselves. Darth Sus glared at her friends.

            "Colonel O'Neill, the hallway is clear," Teal'c informed the group.

            "Good, here's the plan," Jack informed everyone. "Me, Carter and Teal'c are going to do what we came here to do. In the meantime, Jonas is going to stay here with you… people until we come back. Is that understood?"

            He was answered with a chorus of protests littered in between with curses. 

            "HEY!" he shouted. "I didn't ask if it was okay, because frankly I don't give a damn. I asked if that was understood?"

            "Yes," The Insanities said sullenly.

            "Jonas?"

            "What?" Jonas looked up from examining that strange object he had found at the mention of his name.

            "Never mind," Jack sighed. "Stay here and keep a eye on _them_." He nodded to the trio who were now refused to look at him. Jack shook his head in resignation. "We'll be back soon but we'll lock the door just in case, you know the code." Jonas nodded. "Good. Let's go." Carter and Teal'c left the storage room and took up defensive positions. 

            Jack turned back to Darth Sus. "Hey, come on. It could be worse."

            "Yeah, how?" Darth Sus replied acidly. "We got left behind."

            "Hmm, guess you're right." O'Neill winked at her as he closed the door. A series of sounds confirmed that they were locked in.

            Darth Sus turned to Mithborien with a growl. "And might I remind you, once again this is your fault."

            "And once again," Mithborien scowled back. "No, you may not."

            "Guys," Jynethe said. "This isn't getting us anywhere."

            "Actually," Mithborien corrected. "It's getting us nowhere fast."

            Darth Sus titled her head in thought while Jynethe disregarded that comment and said, "_Okay_, so anyone got any ideas on how we're going to get outta here?"

            "No," Darth Sus shrugged. "I mean, what are we going to do?"

            Mithborien agreed, "Yeah, I mean the only person who would know how to get us out… of…here…"

            "Is in this very room," Jynethe said slyly.

            The Insanities exchanged evil, all knowing looks before turning as one and chorused one name together in sweet, innocent voices.

            "JONAS!"


End file.
